Comment Wall
Comment Wall
Hey guys! Please post any feedback you have here, on this comment wall. You can find my portfolio project website here: LetThereBeIconography
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| Feel free to leave comments. Graphic source: Pixabay |
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| Feel free to leave comments. Graphic source: Pixabay |
The Man Who Couldn't Leave His Phone Alone
ReplyDeleteOkay first off I love the first few introductory sentences. They really set the scene but in a descriptive and relatable way. I love how you demonstrate that this kid really is hooked on his phone. Even after the super stressful encounter, he goes right back to it. Also, I love this intense explanation of all the different relationships all at once. We get that he most likely lost the car, but he also lives with his parents! Then he met this person at an arcade? Not sure why that was included but I like it! Okay so he needs the car to go to the wedding. WOAH!! CHILLS. I couldn't even comment from the moment he hatched the plan to borrow the car. Brilliant story! I loved the journey and the crash and the moral/ending. Finally, I really enjoyed reading your story, but some things seemed trivial and odd juts in. For instance, the arcade comment is unnecessary. I also wish you could've interwoven the "living with parents" thing with the story instead of having another paragraph giving relationships (even though I really like that exposition).
Hello Ryan! I really enjoyed reading your story! I loved how you made it very detailed as possible. I could tell you really made your point clear how the kid was very attached to his phone. I find it ironic how a lot of us are still attached to our phones when we are driving and sometimes I am guilty of that too. I am just a little confused about the stranger he met. Did he walk to the arcade or something? Why did the parents not want to drive to their daughter’s wedding? Anyways, I like how you ended your story, it was very intense and suspenseful! It was sad to read that he was halfway there and he got into a wreck. And what is more intense… the very last sentence of your story. Great job on that part! The only problems I have noticed is not being very detailed on stuff! Maybe provide more detail about his parents since they sold his car or his friend for constantly texting him.
ReplyDeleteI really like your style of writing. It's well-rounded and is excellent at setting the scene of the story. There's just enough detail there to paint a picture without it seeming like you're trying too hard. I really like the premise of the story as well - a modern retelling of one of the turtle Jataka tales. Poor Reginald. Not in the sense that he died, but more so that he died because he was so addicted to his phone. If I was that friend that he met at the arcade, though, I definitely would NOT let him borrow a car. Even if I didn't know of his phone addiction. I guess I'm cynical by nature (or by nurture?) but I wouldn't trust someone I just met with such a big responsibility.
ReplyDeleteHey Ryan,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story "The man who couldn't leave his phone alone," as I thought it was not only a clever retelling of the original story, "The Turtle Who Couldn't Stop Talking," as well ending on an important message. Sure the message in the original story was important too, but your retelling offered a more modern (and terrible) issue that many of us experience every day whether we are the one distracted or the one who is driving near a distracted driver. I wonder what happened to Reginald's friend and sister when they found out the news of his passing. What if the last text the emergency crew reads was from the sister saying something like "I'm so excited to see you at the wedding, now put your phone down!" and he replied "Haha okay sis I'll se" and then it cuts off. This could show that even though he had good intentions, he still did not learn his lesson. All in all, great story and I can't wait to read more!
Hey there, Ryan!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your story and loved seeing things that alluded to the story you based it on. I thought your authors note was really insightful and informative, and acted as a guide for me when I read the story a second time. I always love when someone sets a story in a more modern time, because it seems so relatable and you can follow the events so easily. I also think it makes it much easier to write when you're writing about things that you can connect with. Reginald really did seem to behave like the turtle from the original story! I like how you took the message of the original Jataka tale and conveyed it in a similar but more contemporary and specific way. I think that a lot of teenagers, and even a lot of college students, could stand to read a story like this. I think we're all guilty of occasionally playing music or responding to a text while driving, and that really can be dangerous. Overall, I thought you wrote a very compelling story. I especially enjoy your ending with the text message. Even though it is really sad, the text message really leaves the reader with some final things to consider. That being said, I definitely feel bad for Reginald's friend, who predicted his death!
Hi Ryan!
ReplyDeleteI want to start out by saying your introduction page is great! I like that you put different cover images together to form somewhat of a collage. I also like how you clearly say that your website is a portfolio and how you say "Join the conversation at the comment wall!" It makes it seem so inviting. I think that your design is overall easy to navigate and well organized so good job!
I loved your story "The Man Who Couldn't Leave His Phone Alone." Your writing and the structure of the story are both awesome. Everything flowed really well and I was able to picture the story so clearly. One thing that I noticed though, where does the story take place? I think it would give the reader a better idea of the road trip if you either said how long it was going to take him to drive to the wedding or if you told the name of where he was coming from and where he was going.
Amazing job, I'm excited to see what you have to post next!
ReplyDeleteHello again, Ryan! I think I’ve read your story before. With that being said, I really liked how you personified the original story by creating actual human characters. I also enjoyed how you included a well known issue about texting and driving, and making everyone aware the danger that comes from texting and driving.
A question that I have is probably why are his mom and stepfather at odds with his sister? Did you consider including a vague background information of the issue to incorporate in the story? I think that it could clear up a little confusion, especially since it was her wedding.
One suggestion that I have is to maybe add a few details of how his family and friends took the news of his death. Also, maybe how his death affected his family and friends. I think that by doing so, the reader would take it more to heart on how important it is to not text and drive.
Hi Ryan, I enjoyed reading your story, The Man Who Couldn't Leave His Phone Alone. I like how you wrote your story in a way that could relate to problems we are facing in today's world. I can honestly say that I am guilty of using my phone while driving. I believe that the attitude of texting and driving needs to shift from not using your phone a driving. Let's be real, most people are not texting and driving they are more often browsing social media. Just as bad as texting and driving, but I believe people seem to think it is ok because they're not "texting." I feel bad for the character in your story for losing his life. People did warn him but it is a still sad. I wish phones in the first place were never a thing. Life was simpler before smartphones. Sorry to go on a rant! I enjoyed reading your story!
ReplyDeleteHello there, Ryan!
ReplyDeleteThis week's focus for this feedback assignment is on the layout and design of your project. Overall, the layout of your portfolio is very organized and easy to follow! I think one of the benefits to using google sites (which you and I both did) is that other people who used that platform can easily navigate through the entire class' list of portfolios (assuming they also used google sites). So, that being said, the overall look of your website and its pages is very appealing and I think you should be happy with it! My favorite thing about your website is the pictures you chose to facilitate your stories. They have good definition in terms of picture quality and they clearly relate to the topics of your stories. I don't have many tips, but for your home page, you might make the text box slightly wider so all of the words line up appropriately. I am referring to the cover page that says "My Portfolio Project". Great job!
Hi Ryan!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your two short stories! It was an interesting contrast of comedy and tragedy reading both of them, and I liked how each one had a completely unique premise. The first story was very well done, and the fruit puns in particular made it a fun read. The main comment I have is that it would be nice to know what imminent danger Dave is in. Maybe the evil store manager is plotting to have Dave’s fruit bin sprayed for pests and Dave and his family will be collateral damage. Providing more detail about this danger would probably help the reader connect the dots between your story and the Epic it is based on. Once I read your Author’s Note I could see some of the similarities, but I had no idea what story was being referenced when I first read it. As for your second story, I think this one was very well done, and the parallels between your version and the Jataka tale were very clear. I really liked how you took a modern day issue like texting and driving and incorporated it into a Jataka story. The only comment I have is that your transition between time points was a little choppy, maybe say something along the lines of “fast forward four months, and Reginald was running out of ideas for how to get to his sister’s wedding”. I very much enjoyed reading what you have so far and I look forward to reading whatever you write next!
My favorite image was the fruit. I got to that page and wondered about what I could possibly be about to read. The names of the fruit reminded me of some old YouTube videos of Llamas with Hats to be honest, but it added an element of humor to the story for me. I liked how you wrote both of your stories, the language used and the flow of everything. I was really devastated at the end of the other story. I wasn't expecting that turn and drastic death. Of course, the author's note made a lot of sense and I get it, but dang I wasn't ready. Especially that last text message. I want to know how the cover photo to your portfolio is going to come into play? I mean, I guess it could have nothing to do with what's to come but it's got me curious.
ReplyDeleteHi Ryan,
ReplyDeleteYour story was so hilarious. I really loved your idea of changing them to fruits and how that came from you writing short stories in high school. It was really funny how you called the apple a red banana. That was really cute. There was a nice touch of humor to the story which was wonderful, as it brought the story together and made it fun to follow. You are a great writer, and it can easily be seen from this story. The title of your next story was eye catching! It was a great way to make the reader curious about what is coming next. I feel like I have read this story somewhere else before. I cannot recall if it was your story previously on your blog or not, but it was a great ending and a wonderful twist. I truly enjoyed both of your stories and you write so well! Great job!
Hey Ryan, I must say the title of your first story is what pulled me in, A Tale of Two Fruits is a hilarious title and it would be really hard to walk away from something like that without finding out more. Once I got into it, I realized that I made the right decision. Your story was hilarious. I love the fact that you changed the characters into fruits and that you added such a high level of drama to something that was so innocent and funny. I think the 3rd person perspective was the right choice to go with regarding this story. It allowed you to keep a neutral position which was very beneficial. Overall, nice project. I like the laid-back attitude you have in your retelling and how that translates into the stories.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've ever enjoyed reading about the drama of fruits. Your writing really draws the reader in, Ryan! I feel like the two fruit stories were just an excuse to juice as many fruit puns as possible. And I love it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you clarified about Carl's fruit type in your Author's Note. As I was reading, I thought there were many inconsistencies but it turns out, they were completely intentional! The little link to date palms...I'm digitally facepalming right now.
What a twist at the end. The famous Blueberry Cabbagepatch was ACTUALLY his best friend, Carl! The Carliflower (facepalm)! What a wild ride of emotion. And puns that kept getting worse but more hilarious. I do have one question: how do fruits embrace? Is it just an awkward bumping into each other? Unknown mysteries in the universe.
Hey Ryan, I really enjoyed this portfolio. I haven't read that many portfolios this semester because I did a storybook myself and have been commenting on others, but yours was quite comical and entertaining to say the least. The fact that you personified fruit and were able to include a lot of jokes was a nice addition to the stories. I think you choice on imagery and detail was nice as well because it made the overall story much more interesting and I think your imagination really shone through while doing so! I think your decision to add in the twist was also a good thought because it was a surprise that added to the ending. Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Ryan,
ReplyDeleteYour Modern Jataka tale made me tear up a bit. When I was in High school, two of my friends nearly died because of a woman who was texting and driving and one of my friends moms did pass away. So this story hit close to home. You writing is fantastic and I really like the way that you adapted the story. As much as I hate it when main characters die, I think that it was a good decision here.
The tales of the Two fruits were amusing. I like the way that you embedded links to your story. Sometimes its a bit cumbersome to have to scroll down to the authors note in the middle of reading.
Your images are cute (Really like the Cumberbatch Cucumbers).
It took me a minute to find the Comment wall. Maybe making it bold would help? Or highlighting it somehow?
Apart from that, I really enjoyed your portfolio. I think your stories are really creative.
Hi hi Ryan, ,
ReplyDeleteI just commented on your blog, and now I'm here.
Again, your grammar is excellent, I certainly can't detect any errors. Your first story is excellent. The first paragraph was decently efficient and establishes mc's character well and to top it all off is pretty funny.
The middle part of the story is also pretty good. I'm not sure why but adding the details of mc's family situation made it much more convincing than simply stating that he couldn't drive because he didn't have a car. The manner in which mc convinces his friend to lend him the car is also surprisingly convincing.
Finally, that last line was pretty good; I found it to be very entertaining. I also like how different this story is from the original. I can see the connection, but the lesson has been generalized (and the that generality was re-sacrificed) to tell this specific story.
So thanks for writing a good story and letting me be nice. It feels good to not have anything bad to say.